The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
