just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
