I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
