wrigley field is MILF paradise
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
