I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize