im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
