This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When are your genitals available?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
