Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
