so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
