You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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