Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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