I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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