He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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