i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
