the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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