I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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