dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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