OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sext me about skeletons
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize