WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We smell like vodka and hangover
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