ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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