i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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