I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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