How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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