I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
