btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
