Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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