I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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