summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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