ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize