Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
