i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
