I wish I could teleport
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize