I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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