i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
