I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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