Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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