I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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