and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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