I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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