Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
