I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I die, sorry about rent.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
