my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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