Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
