Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
