i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
