her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
