The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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