i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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