So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A bitchslap is in order.
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