I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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