lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
