Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
