So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
