When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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