Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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