I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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