Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
