i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
