My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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