THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
