Plan B is the new Plan A
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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