franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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