Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
