I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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