so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
